Savage Love: I matched with my sister on a dating app | Columns | Tampa

I am a very sexual cis man in my thirties. Three years ago I met this woman who just blew my mind. She is eight years older, extremely beautiful, intelligent and funny. I ran into her very early on and she told me right away that she was asexual. She likes kisses, hugs and solo masturbation, but that’s it. She says sex does nothing for her. To keep a relationship alive in the past, she would go through the motions, but she has no interest in doing so anymore, so I continued. Since then, we got to know each other better and I fell in love with her. Last night we had dinner and I started thinking out loud how we could make a relationship work. I suggested I could watch her masturbate, and maybe we could have an open relationship. She said that was out of the question. She admitted that when she first met me she loved me, but now she loves me as a friend. She says there is no way this will work and we should keep things platonic. She doesn’t even want to kiss and cuddle me, because she’s afraid I’ll be “pissed off” and she’ll have to reject me. We argued and she got mad at me. I love it. I want to spend every moment with her. I sincerely believe that we could make it work. How can I convince her?—The sexual man in amorous ecstasy

You already have your answer, SMILE, and that answer – her answer – is “no”.

I am a horny divorced bisexual man. Can you help me find women for regular phone sex? I masturbate every night and enjoy it even more if I hear a sweet voice on the other end. I live in North Carolina and am usually freshly showered, naked, and erect between 11 p.m. and midnight. I time my orgasms for midnight sharp. Please help me and find me a woman to have erotic talks with!—Jerking about conversations kept sensual

Sir, it’s a Wendy’s. (Full disclosure: This is not a Wendy’s. This is a sex advice column, JACKS, and the sex advice columnists are not matchmakers. So you will need to find and/or hire a phone sex provider on your own.)

I don’t sleep with my best friend’s husband, but we do something my best friend would probably find wrong: I let her husband drink my piss. The first time, it just happened. We are able to rationalize what we do – my best friend doesn’t like piss and I’m a “safe” person to do it with as long as I’m not going to ask him for more – but it involves putting my dick in in the mouth of my best friend’s husband. I was the best man at their wedding, and I feel guilty about it. I’m also married, but my husband and I have an outdoor play agreement. Maybe I just need you to tell me to stop.— Gay urinal lies to spouse

First, the obvious answer: Stop. Second, the obvious follow-up question: How did it go, GUILTY? Unless your best friend’s husband is wearing a ridiculously convincing urinal costume to a Halloween party and you’re having mushrooms, it didn’t happen by accident. You did it. Even if he was in a convincing urinal costume and you ate all the mushrooms, you did. You can’t stop doing this if you can’t be honest about how you started.

My friend started dating a girl eight years ago in college and broke up with her a year later. They have no relationship now. They don’t even discuss. I’ve been in love with the girl in question since the first day I met her. I was going to ask her out years ago, but before I could, she was dating my friend. I recently asked her out and we are now dating, but none of our friends at the time know about it. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I vibrate with her like no one else. Do you think it’s good to be with her? Or am I wronging my friend?—The Bad Friend

Your friend broke up with this woman – the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with – seven years ago. She doesn’t belong to him, he doesn’t have eternal dibs, and if he can’t be happy for you, he’s not your friend. And if you feel like a bad friend, maybe rereading and re-reading GUILTS’ letter will make you feel better.

My partner of 20 years and I recently agreed to open our relationship. There’s an acquaintance I’ve had a crush on since high school. I don’t know his situation – if he’s in a relationship, monogamous, whatever – but we’re in touch now and I have permission to approach him. But I’m nervous that he’ll say no, and my fun fantasies — fantasies I’ve loved about him my entire adult life — will be marred by embarrassment. The reward would be great, but the risk is enormous. The possibility of an affair with him IRL fueled my desire, which my partner benefited from, and I would hate to lose that. What do you think?—Reliable orgasms at risk

Sexual fantasies are perfect, sexual realities are messy. So even if your high school crush is available and interested, ROAR, there’s no way IRL sex with him will live up to your fantasies. But flirting with him (risky!) and/or being with him (could still be great!) will make room in your erotic imagination for other fantasies – fantasies you can enjoy during solo masturbation, fantasies that will continue to fuel your desire for and/or during sex with your husband.

At a recent Sack Lunch, you talked about an “erotic autonomy zone” that we are all entitled to, even people in relationships. I think it should be a term: ZOEA. It’s already a legal Scrabble word, as you probably know, and I think ZOEA would be as useful as DTMFA or GGG. Here is an example of its use in a sentence: Husband: “Do you think of me when you masturbate?” Wife: “Master of your own ZOEA.”—The neologism now needed

Zoea is already a word and, therefore, fair game in Scrabble (“a free-swimming planktonic larval form of many decapod crustaceans and especially crabs [with] antennae and fringed mouthparts”), but the words can have more than one meaning, and I think ZOEA (pronounced “zo-EE-ah”) is a nice addition to my collection of acronyms.

I am a lesbian who arrives late and my sister too. We both live in the same mid-sized city in the Pacific Northwest and are both currently in the dating market. The problem I have is that the pool of eligible women in our town is small and the odds of us dating the same person seem likely, which makes me sick. I even matched with my sister on a dating app! This experience prompted me to pause while I searched for a better strategy. I’ve dipped my toes in the water of more national queer communities and want to attend The Dinah in the fall to connect with other women from outside our region. I don’t want to hold back, but getting too close to my brother and sister’s sex life is just disgusting. Advices?—Looking everywhere from the burst

Push yourself, LESBO. It’s a small world, the lesbian world is even smaller, and even if you limit yourself to long-distance relationships, you’ll probably end up dating someone your sister has dated at some point. Hell, your chances of meeting a woman your sister dated in Dinah are about as good as meeting a woman your sister dated on a dating app. Acknowledge the awkwardness, don’t be paralyzed by it, and block each other on dating apps.

I am a 30 year old hetero. I have been living with my girlfriend for three years, we love and respect each other and have very good sex. Unfortunately, sex is very satisfying for me until I have an orgasm. My orgasms start out great but fade towards the end leaving me disappointed as I always get better ones during masturbation. I have a plausible explanation: when I orgasm, I get very sensitive, and I can’t “turn down” the stimulation very easily during intercourse. I’ve tried pushing less, pulling out, breathing to stay relaxed, with and without a condom, etc., but the end result is always the same. I’m still enjoying my sex life but I wish I could have my best orgasms while I’m with my girlfriend. Do you have any advice for me?—Climaxes overwhelming my senses

Stop masturbating a bit and see if that doesn’t make things better during partnered sex. But if that doesn’t work, CUMS, you might want to incorporate masturbation into your regular sex sessions with your girlfriend – not masturbation as foreplay, not mutual masturbation, but you-do-yourself-while-she- she says and you look at each other. Having some of your “best” orgasms when you’re with her, even if you’re not touching her, can help you get to a point where you can have those orgasms when you’re inside her.

Contact [email protected]to follow @FakeDanSavage on Twitter and get Dan’s columns, podcasts, books, merchandise and more at

Comments are closed.